Giving up, letting go

Today was a hard day in the realm of my research. I've been grappling lately with how to find a balance between what I need to do for my dissertation given that it's part of a group project and a research project's project, if that makes sense. Then, I want to be able to balance those demands and requirements with my own passions, beliefs, interests, etc.

I study teachers' professional learning during years 4-10 of the career. Most folks have VERY poor learning opportunities then, as some of you probably know. Others have none. Others, however, are lucky and find themselves in the company of folks from whom they can learn or in environments rich with learning possibilities. What I hold nearest and dearest is the belief that good professional learning for teaching can help shift their beliefs about their students' capabilities and potential. Particular teachers of kids in urban areas where I think deficit mentalities about students gets in the way of good teaching and learning way too often.

So today I had to grapple with the fact that, for my research right now, I can't come right out and ask teachers if their beliefs about their students have changed. There are a myriad reasons why, but the bottom line is that it just won't work. It would be awkward. Leading. These and other reasons I understand intellectually. And I understand how we can get at this issue in a more nuanced, ground-up way. But all of that involved a painful process of letting go. I found myself crying today as I tried to explain what I was most passionate about learning to my colleagues and then working to reconcile that with what actually WORKS in the world of research for this particular project. There's loss involved in research. In fact that's been my mantra when I talk about data analysis. I just think that, until today, I didn't feel that loss so deeply and keenly. Right in my core.

So it was a hard one. But a good one, and I'm feeling good now about moving forward, knowing I've been heard and my interests and questions will be incorporated, and that doing it in a non-explicit fashion is the right thing to do. It's hard, but I know it's right.

But still there was sadness, in spite of knowing it was right.

I think this is somehow related to the whole not being a hero thing. Not doing it all, getting it all, learning it all. And not RIGHT NOW. That's how I like things -- RIGHT NOW. But I'm learning patience, grace, what have you.